How Should I Say “I Love You”, Mom?

It is nearly 12 in the afternoon; I close my dear magical book and pay a short glance to the calendar above my head… MAY 10. Just a few moments left before the celebration of Mother’s Day. I let a faint smile cover my face momentarily and half-consciously (as I may say it) I boot my antique personal computer.

Frankly, every story of every life never fails to astonish me, particularly if it is about family. I believe you will know a lot about a person, if you know a lot about his own family. Much more if you’ll know more about his mom…

I remember when my close friend delivered his piece as a part of our recitation in Speech Development, I can’t help but to stare at the blank space falling in deep thinking. He was talking about the regrets he has now for not clearly showing his mom how much he love and admire her. He had lost his mom at a very young age… Until now, I can still feel the hollowness of his sigh whenever we cross that matter. His breathing shows nostalgia as he was saying “Paano kaya kung nandito pa rin siya…” Honestly, it did not sound a bit of question for me. Because I can tell that by the way he speaks, he is still dreaming about having his mom right beside him.
Another friend made me forced a false laugh when she said “Hindi ba kayo naglalambingan ng Mommy mo? Kami kasi ganun nung nandito pa siya.” She too, lost her mom. And until now, I still fail to discover how she can muddle through with it, knowing that she had a lot of wonderful memories with her.

I am now on my 21 years of being here on earth, but would you believe me if I tell you that I never, ever dare to say “I love you” to my mom ever since I’ve learned how to speak? (Even I stretched my long-term memory, I failed to recall uttering those words--- even once.)

When I was five years old I remember her bringing me to the public market on town. I saw a bunch of round, mouth-watering, seedless grapefruit and asked her to buy me some. She said we do not have spare money for the fruit so I got upset and cry as loud as I could. She grabbed my arm and told me “Hindi masarap ‘yan, mapait ‘yan!” She did not know I hated her that time. But I have realized that on my young age, she taught me a very important lesson: YOU CANNOT ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT. (Especially if you will just cry over your unfulfilled goals). Oh, how should I say “I Love You”, mom?

She is often reluctant to attend my Recognition Day, telling me “Wala akong magandang isusuot. Kayo na lang ng tatay mo.” She did not know I hated her that time. But I have realized that on my young age, she taught me a very important lesson: YOU WILL NOT ABLE TO DISCERN THE IMPORTANCE OF SUCCESS WHEN YOU ARE ALL ALONE ON THE SPOT LIGHT. Oh, how should I say “I Love You”, mom?

On my fourth year in high school, she refused to get my report card at school. “Bakit ba gusto mo makita ang grades mo, ano mapapala mo ‘dun? Sayang lang ang pamasahe, makikita mo rin naman ‘yon sa Graduation.” She did not know I hated her that time. But I have realized that on my young age, she taught me a very important lesson: YOUR REPORT CARD DOESN’T ABSOLUTELY SHOW WHO YOU ARE AND EVEN DO NOT HAVE THE AUTHORITY TO FORETELL IF YOU’LL BE A SUCCESSFUL PERSON OR NOT. Oh, how should I say “I Love You”, mom?

As a teenager, I think she had given me much freedom. I can go out whenever or wherever I want to and come back home whenever I feel to. “Pumunta ka kung saan mo gusto, bahala ka! Malaki ka na, alam mo na ang ginagawa mo.” My friends told me I am indeed lucky, but they never know that I don’t wish for that setting. I feel worse, as if I am being neglected…abandoned… unloved… She did not know I hated her that time. But I have realized that on my young age, she taught me a very important lesson: AS A HUMAN WE HAVE OUR OWN FREE WILL, WE JUST NEED TO RECOGNIZE WHAT IT TRULLY MEANS AND LEARN TO EXERCISE IT VERY WELL. Oh, how should I say “I Love You”, mom?

Maybe it sounds a bit ironic how my mom and I exchange our own way of expressing love and concern. A lot of times, I hardly distinguish loving from neglecting, trusting from abandoning…But I cannot deny that I have learned so many lessons from her (mentioning some of it in this writing). At the end of the line, no matter how odd our relationship is, vaguely as it may seem, and no matter how we conceal our emotions trying not to sound too corny or childish, we both know that we cannot hide the truth---she is my mother and I love her.

As I ended this piece, I am counting self-made, faded cards---eight in total, not to mention some simple notes scribbled in a hurry. But I do not have the courage to hand it to her. Aside from the fact that I can’t fish out the guts to tell her, I definitely know those words won’t fit all the sacrifices she has given me. Until now, I do not know how I should say “I Love you Mom”, so let me do it this way:

For thinking of aborting me when I was in your womb, I now appreciate I am precious, for Heaven give me a life to live in this world. THANKS MOM.
For planning of giving me to other family, I now appreciate the meaning of “family” by choosing me to stay. THANKS MOM.

For saying that I am a worthless child, I now appreciate the meaning of hard work and dedication to keep my head up to the goal of proving you I am not like that. THANKS MOM.
For not trusting my capabilities when competing for an academic match, for the discouragements I have received when I failed to top the class, I now appreciate that painful words and even failures mean success in the end, when put in different perspective. THANKS MOM.

For not attending my school’s parental meetings and refusing to hand me my medal for the past three university’s Recognition Day, I now appreciate the meaning of standing on my own feet, that there are certain times when I need to accept bravely that I am alone-- without losing my self-esteem. THANKS MOM. I know that I would never be the same person as I am now-- standing in my place, believing and fighting with dignity and rightful principles if I am not with YOU. THANKS MOM and HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO YOU!

I threaded this writing piece attempting to gather enough audacity to express my kept thoughts for my mom and now that I boldly share to you this fraction of my life, I hope that by now, you’ve got the idea of how to say “I Love You Mom” to your mother, in this very special moment of her life…Trust me, it is never too late!

-- (My personal contribution) Leianny--